An Evening With Esther Perel: The Future Of Relationships, Love & Desire

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of attending an enlightening live stage event featuring psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington DC. Her insights into the intricacies of human connections left a lasting impression with me, prompting me to reflect on the evolving landscape of relationships, love, and desire in today's world. The auditorium stage was elegantly minimalist, adorned only with a single table and a beautiful bouquet of pink wildflowers atop it. Excitement filled the air as the audience eagerly awaited Perel's arrival. When her tour kicked off in Washington DC on April 13, the show ran for a little over an hour and a half. Perel, known for her punctuality, humorously acknowledged her tendency to be fashionably late, setting a lighthearted tone for the evening. She began by welcoming the audience into her "waiting room," setting the stage for intimate conversations about love, grief, betrayal, and jealousy.

"When you enter the theater, you’re entering my waiting room, and then when we start the conversation, you’re entering my office, and in this office are conversations that don’t happen anywhere else," Perel says. "They involve love, grief, betrayal, jealousy. It’s deep, it’s vulnerable, and it’s very human."

Perel's ability to create a safe space for vulnerability immediately captivated the audience. Perel gives a short lecture — loosely built around how the quality of our relationships determines our quality of life, and how social and cultural forces have stunted those relationships in recent years — then runs a few group exercises that illustrate the ways we could all bond if we dared try. How many of us, she asks, have ever had a consensual sexual encounter that was unsatisfying but we stuck around anyway and said nothing? As almost everyone in the auditorium rises to their feet, the room explodes in laughter. Perel described having been in what feels like three different marriages with the same husband — the American psychologist and trauma specialist Jack Saul, to whom she has been married for nearly four decades, in before-kids, raising-kids, and empty-nesting iterations. She quickly mentions her podcast “Where Should We Begin?” that was launched in 2017 and features her one-time therapy sessions with anonymous real-life couples — establishing her as the 21st century’s most revered relationship oracle. Hearing Perel untangle the aching knot at the center of one couple’s specific but common home-life tension holds more intrigue than watching her acknowledge an infinite number of personal hang-ups and take abstract swipes at how they might be resolved. She touches on technology, noting that it creates high expectations from our partners. Due to the evolution of artificial intelligence, we are all becoming accustomed to having everything on demand. But relationships are different; they make us more anxious when there are unknowns. 

"When it comes to the question of having good sex, sex needs friction," she emphasizes.

"And the real killer is this – raise your hands if you sit at the screen all day… And then you find that you are tired and try to watch TV, and while watching TV, you are grabbing your phone. And when you look up and the person next to you is doing the same thing, look at what the other one is doing." This observation elicits laughter from the audience. Perel discusses "ambiguous loss" – the situation where a person is physically present but emotionally distant. She asks if anyone in the audience has experienced ambiguous loss. Highlighting the importance of connection, she references an experiment from the 1970s. In this experiment, a mother is playing with her baby, and the baby is happy. However, when they instruct the mother not to make eye contact with the baby, the baby becomes upset and starts to cry, feeling stressed and annoyed.Perel explains that many of us would not want to cause this distress to a baby, yet we inadvertently do so to ourselves and our loved ones when we prioritize our phones over meaningful interaction. This behavior creates disarray in people's minds and undermines the connections we cherish. Next, she delves into the common scenario where people seek her advice on maintaining stable yet passionate relationships. She argues that relationships are so unique that there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution.

"Relationship dilemmas do not have easy binary solutions," she emphasizes.

 For example, people often ask her for a set number of tips for a healthy relationship, or specific techniques to ignite passion. However, Perel explains that she cannot offer such simple directives. Instead, she presents a few invitations:As a sex therapist, she humorously recounts how some individuals come to her with a mindset that their partner is the problem. She challenges them to consider their own role in the relationship dynamics. "Accountability goes a long way," she asserts. Her second invitation encourages individuals to reflect on how they bring their best selves to various aspects of their lives but may bring only leftovers to their relationships. She likens this behavior to treating a relationship like a cactus, surviving on minimal nourishment until it suddenly withers. Lastly, she advocates embracing unfamiliarity and discomfort in relationships to foster intensity and desire. While familiarity and comfort are essential for safety and security, true passion requires taking risks and exploring the unknown facets of your partner's persona. Later, to spark storytelling, she invites everyone to select one of four introspective questions displayed on a projector screen and share their answers with their neighbors. So, we picked a card from the screen with the question, "If I were dating myself, what would annoy me?" Our neighbor candidly admitted, "If I'm being honest, I can be a bit restless as a partner. I'm always on the move and never want to stay still." This prompted a lively discussion about personal quirks and relationships. Then, as participants shared their responses, Perel prompted further reflection by asking for one sentence about settling. This led to humorous anecdotes and insights about the importance of not settling for less than what one deserves in relationships. One woman shared her bold decision to relocate across the country for a relationship, only to find humor in her partner being at home during the event. Another participant humorously recounted her whirlwind experience of marriage and international relocation within three months. The stories continued, including one woman's celebration of newfound freedom during her divorce party, where she humorously declared her intention to kiss her new female partner forever, eliciting laughter from the audience. In a Q&A segment, however, dozens of audience members line up at microphones to ask Perel their questions — and a few moments crackle with genuine connection, vulnerability, and laughter. Perel starts with “A question is a question, not a long paragraph.” She encourages attendees to focus on the essence of their inquiries to address the underlying problems. One woman, for instance, wonders how she should continue dating a narcissist.Perel humorously responds, “I don't suppose you are asking this question for a friend? So what is the question, are you dating this person?” She emphasizes the need for self-reflection, suggesting that the real question is whether the individual is willing to change themselves rather than expecting the narcissist to change. Perel then addresses questions from a basket, covering topics such as parenting, managing adult responsibilities, and navigating infidelity. She highlights the importance of prioritizing the happiness of the couple for the well-being of the family unit, cautioning against neglecting personal relationships in favor of parenting duties. She concludes by distilling the essence of relationship concerns, emphasizing the need to address underlying fears and concerns rather than focusing solely on surface-level issues.When Perel gets the signal to wrap up, all those still waiting look painfully disappointed to leave without being seen or heard by her.